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Transneptune

beyond the Kuiper Belt, over the sea

Malcontent

April 27th, 2009 by Kit

I’m there again.  Sick, again, of being here.  I’m enjoying Austin being here, but I know he’ll be leaving and, frankly, I want to leave with him.  There are a lot of things that go into this.  One which I know is contributing to my foul mood, but which I think I should discount, is the simple fact that when I am working on a software project and it feels blocked (in this case, by my inability to grok the stupid stupid world of GUIs and the particular brain-dead library I’m using, because it’s the only thing with good sound-playing support I could find), my mood gets real bad—I enter a pretty persistent funk matched only by the joy I get on the other side, when I make things work.  But in the realm of GUIs, there’s something profoundly unsatisfying about getting them to work; it’s just fiddly crap, not satisfying wrapping-your-head-around-an-algorithm stuff.

So that’s part of it.  But part of it is feeling intensely like, despite being here, going out, doing things, trying to be here in an honest fashion, and trying this for 6 months, I’m still not succeeding.  I have made beginnings of friendships, and shied back from them, or found them uninteresting—even out of the people I knew back East who are out here, I’ve seen all but one of them, managed a few times, and then, really, lost interest.

And then, on the other side, I need more singing.  I think if I had managed to keep going to Meeting, I might have enjoyed the occasional singing there, but it runs deeper than that in any case.

There’s the one thing that really gives me pause, though, and that is the fact that my job is basically awesome, and it’s hard to envision a better way to be employed*.  So… do I risk that?

(A somewhat strange realization: one of the things I am particularly missing right now is late long summer evenings on Karl’s porch singing and picking.  It’s almost bringing tears to my eyes right now.)


* I choose my words carefully; for me, the idea of working for someone else is a little strange, since I grew up with self-employed parents doing something that they basically made up.  This seems to me the ideal.

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  • Sean

    “I have made beginnings of friendships, and shied back from them, or found them uninteresting”

    I sympathize – I had this feeling in London until… fairly recently, really. I think you and I both don’t make close friends easily, which is obviously unhelpful when moving to a new environment…

    “But part of it is feeling intensely like, despite being here, going out, doing things, trying to be here in an honest fashion, and trying this for 6 months, I’m still not succeeding.”

    For what it’s worth, I didn’t feel like I was even beginning to succeed at this until the end of First Year, when I’d been living in London for 9 months. During that period – and even during Second Year – I would get intense bouts of homesickness every now and again, which is very unlike me…

    My conclusion has been that moving to a new place takes a fuck of a lot of getting used to, and the fact that I’d spent my entire life in the same place up until I moved to London obviously didn’t help make the adjustment any easier.

    But, yeah, four years in I still don’t think I have anyone in London that I’m as close to as to some of my closest friends in the States. It has been getting better, though… slowly but surely…

    I don’t really have any advice, but just wanted to let you know I feel ya, man. : )

  • kit

    Part of the difficulty is that I have things like Ireland to compare it to, where it was hard on and off, but I made some good friends within a month, most of whom I’ve stayed in touch with. I think part of the difference consisted in, among other things, a) luck, b) reaching, through mysterious means, a feeling of commitment to being in Ireland, c) a scholastic environment in which meeting folks was somewhat easier, d) some straight-up awesome things I got in on, particularly the session at Devitts.

  • Molly

    1. I want you to be happy.
    2. I wish you were closer.
    3. But I realize that you coming back east would not be a magical make-kit-happy-pill.
    4. Doesn’t stop me wishing that it was.
    5. ::hugs::
    6. ::hugs::
    7. ::hugs::

  • kit

    Aw, things are better now, but many thanks. I miss you like crazy. How do you feel about the possibility of me spending some of next year on board a tall ship while Miranda’s in Nepal?